I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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