Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
