someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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