the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
