Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
