Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my shit smells like andre
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
