no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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