Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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