I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Randomize
