On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
