I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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