It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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