the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I touched a dick in church today
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
