If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
