There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Randomize
