and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
