How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We're too hungover to prance.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
