her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
