I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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