I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
