If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
