watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
