I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
God I need to hump something, right now.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
