So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
