I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
