The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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