Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize