this beer tastes like vomit already
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Randomize
