I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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