he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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