yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
