In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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