I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
