her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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