i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am one with the molecules
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
