so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
