my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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