I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
