How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
