So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
