Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
