if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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