Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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