Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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