so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
