Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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