just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize