Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
