Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
