Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
