I wish I could punch you in the face.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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