So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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