Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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