There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
