News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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