someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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