You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
