It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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