remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
