Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
