the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I didn't notice because vodka
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
