I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
