regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
