I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize