it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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