You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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