i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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