it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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