Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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